Ep.5/ Early Warning Signs of Abusive Behavior
Early Warning Signs of Abusive Behavior
by: Jenna Froelich, LCPC, CDVP
Dating in general is hard, but it gets even harder when you’ve had unhealthy relationships before and you don’t want an encore of the same crap. I’ve worked with many people who tell me that they’ve had one too many repeat performances of partners who are thoughtless, invalidating, hurtful, blaming, or sometimes even dangerous. I’ve had people tell me that while they don’t want to be single forever, it feels like a smarter bet compared to looking for “another fish in the sea” and finding another shark instead.
While it can feel like your “fault” that you keep getting into crappy relationships, a hopefully reassuring truth is that you don’t transmit invisible signals that attract douchebags and jerks to your doorstep(even though I know it feels that way!). There are unfortunately quite a few humans in our world who don’t have the healthiest ways of existing in relationships, and when we don’t know how to identify them, we may end up dealing with them for months or years instead of throwing them back into the pond right away.
Why Identifying Early Signs of a Potentially Abusive/Unhealthy Relationship Can Make it Easier to Leave:
Unhealthy, abusive relationships have what domestic violence professionals refer to as a “power and control dynamic.” Essentially, this means an abusive partner will behave in ways to have power and control over their partner. There are many theories about why people would want power and control, but the bottom line is that as you become more deeply involved in a relationship like this, an abusive partner has more ways to control you—maybe you share housing or finances, or you’re emotionally attached so it’s harder to leave, for example. If you can identify red flags before your life becomes too intertwined with this person, it can be easier to leave.
Below is a list of early warning signs and red flags of unhealthy/abusive partners that can help you try to identify them sooner, when it’s easier to ghost them because you’re not yet committed to or attached to them.
The Checklist: Fifteen Common Early Warning Signs That Someone Has the Potential To Be Abusive
Before I begin, I want to make a general note as you go through this list: some of these warning signs are more obvious than others (example: physically, verbally, or sexually aggressive behavior). There are some that are more subtle and may not alone always indicate abuse. In these cases, it’s important to pay attention to context (example: if someone struggles with jealousy, do they acknowledge the problem and try not to project it onto their new partner, or do they blame their partner and try to use jealousy as an excuse to control them?). A general rule of thumb is that the more check marks you make, the more you might want to consider evaluating the situation, talking to people you trust, maybe even a counselor to help you clarify what you’re experiencing and decide what you want to do about it.
1. Possessiveness: Early on, this can feel very flattering, because possessive behaviors can just look like your new potential partner is very into you. For example, they may insist on hanging out all the time, or ask you to reschedule plans with other people to see them. They may also call or message a lot, ask a lot about what you’re doing, when you’re doing it, who you’re doing it with, when you’re coming and going, what you’re planning to wear, and other such details. There’s nothing inherently wrong with having a partner who is chatty and responsive, but a healthy partner won’t necessarily be that pushy to get into the minutia of your day.
2. Jealousy: While all of us have likely been jealous at one time or another, not all of us use jealousy as a justification for trying to control our partners. Early on, jealousy could manifest as small, subtle remarks. Maybe a new guy you’re seeing seems a little miffed that you have male friends and makes comments suggesting you should hang with them less. Maybe your new partner seems a little too on-alert after you have a nice friendly chat with the cashier at the grocery store. Sometimes people will even say they’re jealous because of being cheated on and use that as justification for being controlling or distrustful. Jealousy may be a normal human experience, but it’s a very bright red flag of the potential for abusive behavior, so it’s important to pay attention if you think a new partner seems to have issues with jealousy.
3. Dislike of your family and friends: Abusive people often isolate their partners. When you don’t have access to other friends or family, it becomes a lot easier to control you. Early on, they just generally and consistently express dislike for other people in your life. While it’s natural that people won’t love EVERYONE in their partner’s social circle, a potentially abusive person is more likely to dislike a lot of them and/or do things that result in you spending less and less time with those people. When you pair this red flag with the previous two (possessiveness and jealousy), the risk of isolation and greater difficulty leaving is even higher as the relationship progresses.
4. Pushes for commitment/intimacy early on: While some people have had successful whirlwind romances where they met, committed, and married in a matter of months, it can be a risky gambit because remember: the more intertwined your life is with a potential abuser, the easier it is for them to have power and control, which is when they may feel more emboldened to become more controlling and possessive of you. If your partner keeps pressuring you to date them exclusively, get married, move in together, have sex, etc. even after you’ve asked to take things slower, consider that a red flag.
5. Frequent lies and secretiveness: People who have abusive patterns in relationships also often have a pattern of lying, so if you notice that your new potential partner often lies, even about really little, inconsequential things, it’s a giant red flag. For example, maybe they told you they couldn’t hang out because they had to work, but then you see them out with friends and when you confront them, they lie, deny, minimize, or get mad at you for pointing out the discrepancy. This can also manifest in secretiveness. For example, maybe they always walk out of the room when they get a call or text, or always give vague responses when you ask them about their plans for the day. Maybe they get mad and defensive when you ask any questions at all. This is especially a concern if you notice a double-standard where they always want to know where you are and what you’re doing but seem protective about their own lives.
6. Imposes their own opinions and beliefs and belittles yours: This is pretty self-explanatory! If you notice a new partner always dismisses your opinions or beliefs but pushes theirs, this is a red flag. They may outright call your opinion stupid or silly, or they may chuckle derisively or make you feel condescended or insulted for expressing your thoughts. It could be opinions about things as big as politics or religion, or as small as which restaurant you want to go to, but if you always feel like the vibe is “I’m right, you’re wrong,” it’s a big red flag.
7. Physical or verbal aggression/mistreatment of other people (includes cruelty to animals or children): Another very self-explanatory one! The general idea is this: the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If they will be physically or verbally aggressive, show uncontrolled anger (e.g., punches holes in walls, smashes things) and/or mistreat others (especially vulnerable others), there is a good chance that at some point, that will be turned on you. Pay attention, for example, how they treat staff at restaurants or other places of service, or even their own family members. If they have a general pattern of rude, disrespectful behavior, keep an eye out!
8. Nearly always blames others for their problems/mistakes and rarely owns their role in it: While we all have “crazy ex” stories, if you notice your potential partner has a lot of those stories, it could be because they think they do nothing wrong and don’t recognize the role they may have played in their failed relationships. Healthy people will own (or at least acknowledge) they could have a role in a problem. If your potential partner has tons of negative stories about exes, family members, friends, co-workers who ruin things for them, but never comments on their own shortcomings or things they need to work on, it’s a red flag.
9. “Playful” use of force in intimacy and sex: If your partner ever does something (being too rough, pushing you/holding you down, doing acts that you didn’t explicitly consent to, etc.) and does not immediately back off when you set a limit with them, it’s a red flag. If they say it was just a joke, or you take things too seriously, or “we’re just having fun,” or anything else that brushes off your concern, it means they don’t take your boundaries seriously. A healthy person would be aghast to know that they made you feel uncomfortable and would make efforts to understand and avoid crossing the boundary again. An unhealthy person will either minimize it, or in some cases, they’ll apologize but then keep doing it. This is a situation where the cliché “actions speak louder than words” applies.
10. Regular or past heavy user of alcohol and drugs: It’s important to note that not everyone who has had difficulty with substances is an abuser. Use of alcohol and drugs is absolutely not a cause of abusive behavior, and there are many, many people who have had periods of difficulty with substances who are not abusive. However, while not all users of alcohol and drugs are abusers, many abusers do use alcohol and drugs. The correlation means that it’s important to keep an eye out and look for other potential red flags that could point to a pattern of unhealthy and abusive behavior.
11. Reputation as a player: While different relationship setups outside of monogamy can work very well in a consenting, healthy relationship, abusive people may have a reputation of playing the field in a way that violates partners’ trust. They may cheat, flirt around, lie and say they’re available even when they’re not, or maybe flirt even when people aren’t receptive to it or have asked them to stop. It’s important to pay attention to this behavior as it shows an inability or unwillingness to respect boundaries, and again: if they’ve done it to other people, they’re also more likely to do it to you.
12. Unreliability: People with abusive tendencies also tend to have poor ability to put themselves in others’ shoes. This often makes them unreliable, as they do not think about or prioritize others’ needs. They may even feel entitled to favors/attention but not feel obligated to return the favor. They may not call or text when they said they would. They may show up late to things or not follow through with promises. If you feel like you have to chase your potential partner around to get them to hold to their promises or obligations, it’s a definite red flag.
13. Changes how they act towards you when you are alone vs. when you are with others: Unhealthy people may behave differently towards you depending on their audience. For example, they may be super loving when you’re alone, but you notice they’re mean and aloof when you’re out together around others. I’ve also heard of the flipside, where they’re very loving towards you when there is an audience, but let their guard down and become abusive when you’re alone. This latter one can be especially insidious, because it can cause people to doubt you if you ever try to tell them about the abuse since the abuser has portrayed themselves to be a “great” partner to those who don’t know the inner workings of the relationship.
14. Invades your privacy: If your potential partner scrolls through your phone, snoops on your computer, digs around in your drawers, or in general tries to get up in your business too much, make note! Even healthy people have the urge to snoop sometimes, but they also can admit that it’s problematic. An abusive person feels entitled to monitor you. They may make excuses about having trust issues due to bad past experiences, and that may even make you feel sympathy for them, but even a history of betrayal is not an excuse to violate a partner’s privacy—especially one who is not doing anything to warrant suspicion. This is another way of being possessive and can turn into more dangerous controlling behavior if the relationship continues.
15. Is highly charming or charismatic: When you consider that abusive people have a lot of negative qualities that would turn people off, you realize that they do need to be kinda charming to pull you in at the start! If someone makes you feel like the most amazing person in the world, seems like the “perfect partner,” or just seems too good to be true, pay attention to that! This is especially true if you start to see other red flags on this list. Remember: if they were their abusive selves from the get-go, no one would ever date them, so being very charming, “mysterious,” or over-the-top romantic is a good way for them to put their best foot forward and get some kind of commitment before they take that mask off.
A Wrap-Up and Resources to Learn More:
Now, look at the following list. Feel free to put a mental (or written!) checklist down for each red flag that you feel applies to the person you have in mind. This is a very complex topic and the way red flags may present themselves are varied and too numerous to name every possible example in this one blog post, but if you feel like it even partially applies, it’s worth putting down a checkmark. If you see some concerning red flags and feel like you could use some additional support, read below for some resources.
___ 1. Possessiveness
___ 2. Jealousy
___ 3. Dislike of your family/friends
___ 4. Pushes for commitment/intimacy early on
___ 5. Frequent lies/secretiveness
___ 6. Imposes their opinions/beliefs and belittles yours
___ 7. Physical or verbal aggression or mistreatment of other people/children/animals
___ 8. Blames others for their problems and mistakes/won’t own their flaws
___ 9. “Playful” use of force in intimacy/sex
___ 10. Regular or past heavy user of alcohol and drugs
___ 11. Reputation as a player
___ 12. Unreliability
___ 13. Acts differently when you are alone vs. with other people
___ 14. Invades your privacy
___ 15. Charm/charisma
If you are already in a situation that feels unsafe, and if you have a safe way to make a phone call or do an Internet search, The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help people with safety planning or finding more local hotlines or resources in your county. You can call 800-799 SAFE (7233) 24/7, or go to thehotline.org where they also have text and online chat options.
If you want to learn more about red flags, you can read more about early warning signs of abuse. A good resource is the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence’s website, ncadv.org or the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s website at thehotline.org, though a simple online search can also generate some good articles. If you want more specific feedback on your situation, you can also call the national or local domestic violence hotline (the national line can help you find a local one!) and ask to speak to a trained volunteer. You can also look for a counselor who has expertise and training in domestic violence or relational/relationship trauma. A good counselor can help you understand what you’ve been through or are going through, stop blaming yourself, and empower yourself to find ways to heal from your experiences!
Resources:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (7233)
DuPage County, Family Shelter Services of Metropolitan Family Services:
Website: https://www.metrofamily.org/fssofmfsd/
Hotline: 630-469-5650
Will County, Guardian Angel Community Services (GACS):
Website: http://www.gacsprograms.org/
Domestic Violence Hotline: 815-729-1228
Sexual Assault Hotline: 815-730-8984
Kane County, Mutual Ground: Website: http://mutualground.org/
Domestic Violence Hotline: 630-897-0080
Sexual Violence Hotline: 630-897-8383
Therapy Den (Therapist Directory, filter by specialty, Domestic Violence): therapyden.com
Psychology Today (Therapist Directory, after typing in your location, filter by issue, Domestic Abuse)
