Ep. 7/ Let’s Talk Divorce
Let’s Talk Divorce
By: Kate Juozaitis, LCPC
It’s a hot topic and truthfully a difficult one to have. If you didn’t know January and February are the busiest months for divorce filings. People have painfully gotten through the holidays and did so with the hopes of not disrupting the holidays for others. It goes along with the idea of New Year…New You.
Divorce has become all too “easy” these days and we definitely saw and uptick in divorces during the pandemic. Relationships are difficult (because you are two totally different people) and require effort and investment; when you don’t keep up with them, they fall apart fairly easily. Currently people are investing more in their wedding and planning for one day than they are in planning for their whole marriage which is supposed to last “forever?”. There is a growing mentality that “it will all just work itself out” or “love will fix it”. I don’t know about you but I don’t know too many problems that resolve themselves that way. You must be active in solutions and contrary to belief….love does not conquer all.
When we start to really look at the reasons that people get divorced you can see some of them are preventable and addressable; if you have the skills to navigate the issues. You have to be willing to be honest with yourself first and foremost and then your partner as well as be willing to ask for help. This can be hard in todays climate because everyone is trying to live a dream, are chasing an ideal or doing something just for show. This honesty can allow you to speak clearly about what it is that you need from your partner and negotiate a way of getting some of your needs met. You don’t have to get everything; relationships, marriage and divorce is about both parties giving and getting. A wise lawyer once told me “if you do it right both parties are equally happy and equally miserable” because no one person gets everything that they want.
If you really want to set yourself up for success; go to therapy before you get to the “I DO”. Work on the big issues/values and know where you both genuinely stand on certain topics. A therapist can help you build skills to continue to move this needle forward and navigate difficult conversations. You don’t want to have surprises after the fact. Be willing to have annual check ins so that you stay on top of things. It’s a small investment of time for something you started with the belief would be forever. Too many people come into therapy far too late to fix something that has gotten too far away from them to pull back.
Stop looking at every anniversary as a gift exchange, dinner out, and maybe sex (though some might say that it’s an argument because someone forgot the date). Look at your anniversary as an opportunity to renegotiate the contract. If we are honest, the government got involved in your love affair with a binding contract. So, renegotiate it. Stop being focused on “Happily ever after” or “Death do us part” and take it one year at a time. Evaluate what you felt went well (celebrate the wins); discuss what didn’t go great but that you learned something valuable; resolve to talk about the things that may still linger and cause you pain (be honest) apologize and let go; discuss new goals; reevaluate values if necessary; and ask yourselves if you want to do it for another year. If you have kids, then designate time (quarterly) and book it on the calendar for time where it is just the two of you and you invest in what brought this family into existence in the first place.
What I want is for people to have joy and happiness and success in marriage. I don’t want divorce to be an easy answer. My grandmother told me “You only hurt the ones you love and there are three reasons:
1. You can (they are close to you). Damn proximity.
2. You know how (that’s the problem with intimacy…we know too much.) Intimacy allows for vulnerability.
3.(this is the most important part) That you hold their hands until you both make it right and are both ok. That’s how you know that you really love them.
It seems like a fairly simple practice, and it can have a huge impact on the outcome.
