Ep. 13/ Cultivating Self Compassion
Cultivating Self-Compassion
Melissa Waterfield-Copeland, MA, MBA, LCPC, ACS, BC-TMH
If your compassion doesn’t include yourself, it’s incomplete. – Jack Kornfield
Whether we are exploring what self-compassion is; better understanding the benefits of self- compassion; or practicing ways to build self-compassion – I find self-compassion to be a useful tool for most of my clients.
So what is self-compassion? In short, self-compassion is responding to yourself with understanding and kindness when you make a mistake, rather than judging yourself. Dr. Kirsten Neff is the pioneer of self- compassion research. She extends the definition to include these three elements: Kindness; Humanity; Mindfulness. Let’s take those one at a time.
Kindness (vs. self-judgement) – Self-compassion requires us to be understanding towards ourselves when we suffer or feel inadequate – rather than judge with self-criticism. It’s recognizing that being imperfect, failing and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable – so be gentle with yourself.
Humanity (vs. isolation) – Suffering and inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – we all take a slice from the “pain pie” at some time. Though our experience is our own – a key to self-compassion is knowing we’re not alone.
Mindfulness (vs. over-identification) – Self-compassion also requires us to take a balanced – realistic approach to our emotions so that the feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. At times we over-identify with a thought, feeling or experience – and get caught up and swept away by negative reaction.
Self-compassion has many benefits. On a physiological level, self-compassion may help you calm your nervous system to reduce anxiety and stress. It can trigger the release of oxytocin – the chemical which increases the feelings of trust, safety and calm. Self-compassion can improve your self-esteem. It helps you look at your mistakes as something external to you, instead of a reflection of who you are. Self- compassion can lead to higher life satisfaction. If we spend less time picking apart our flaws and dwelling on our mistakes – we have more time for the things we love to do and the people we love to spend time with. We also know that self-compassion can increase motivation. When you’re less afraid of failure, it becomes easier to take leaps into the unknown. Lastly, self-compassion promotes a growth mindset. It can make you feel less vulnerable and more capable of handling things like failure or being wrong.
All of that sounds great – right? If you’ve come this far, you’re likely still reading so that you can find some tips and tricks to practicing ways to build self-compassion. As the pioneer of self-compassion, Dr. Neff also has one of the most comprehensive list of exercises and practices on her website – www.self- compassion.org. Here are a few tips to get you started with your self-compassion journey:
Express Gratitude – Keep a daily gratitude journal. Beyond what you are thankful for, perhaps answer some of the following prompts: what is my favorite thing about myself; what part of my life do I love right now; how can I practice self-care today; what is something I did well today?
Celebrate Small Accomplishments – Achievement is often connected to self-esteem. Remember, big accomplishments are comprised of smaller ones.
Check Your Self-Talk – A part of self-compassion is changing the way we speak to ourselves. When something bad, painful or shameful happens, stop and think for a moment, “How would I speak to a good friend if the same thing happened to them?”
Practice Loving-Kindness – Guided mindfulness and meditation practice can also help you practice turning attention away from n
egative internal dialogue toward positive thoughts of others. Through practice, we can activate and nurture pathways in the brain and restructure thinking.
Acts of Kindness – Practicing self-care can be a great act of kindness. Ask yourself, “What do I need right now, at this moment?”
Affirmations – Affirmations can help you flip the script on your negative thinking. “I am human, and humans make mistakes.” “I messed up, and that’s okay.” “I’m doing the best I can.”
Way to go! Take reading this as your first practice towards self-compassion!
