SZN. 3 Ep. 7/ Breaking Down Internalized Messages & Cultivating Self- Compassion
Breaking Down Internalized Messages & Cultivating Self- Compassion
by: Katie Cunningham, LCPC
As a licensed clinical professional counselor, I often witness the profound impact that internalized messages have on my clients' lives. From a young age, we absorb beliefs about how we ought to be, how others ought to be, and how life ought to unfold. These messages shape our self-perception and influence our actions, often leading to a harsh inner critic that tells us we're not enough.
In my practice, I help clients explore the origins of their self-talk, encouraging a curious examination of these beliefs. Drawing on insights from "A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD" by Sari Solden MS and Michelle Frank PsyD, we delve into various types of internalized messages: the "you messages" that are explicitly stated by others to you, the "she/he/they messages" that reflect judgments about others, expressed in your presence, and the "absorbed messages" from culture and media that shape our views of success, attractiveness, intelligence, and more.
Understanding where these thoughts come from is the first step toward dismantling them. Through this process, we can gently challenge the narratives that no longer serve us, fostering a sense of self-compassion that allows us to embrace our true selves. Therapy can be a useful and safe space where we can unpack these internalized beliefs and work to cultivate a kinder relationship with ourselves.
Our insecurities often serve as a spotlight on the internalized messages we’ve absorbed throughout our lives. These feelings can reveal where we’ve been wounded, illuminating beliefs that lie just beneath the surface. The reactions we have to others’ words or actions often correlate directly with our own insecurities. For instance, if someone were to say, “You’re not very funny,” I likely wouldn’t feel upset or defensive because humor is not a personal insecurity for me. However, as someone who received a late diagnosis of ADHD and has wrestled with insecurities about my intellectual capabilities, a comment questioning my intelligence would trigger a much stronger emotional response. I would likely become defensive or activated, revealing the wounds tied to that particular belief.
As a therapist who also goes to therapy, I can attest to the way intentional therapeutic work on myself has taught me how to recognize these patterns when they arise. I’ve learned to pause and care for myself in those moments, rather than reacting impulsively. This awareness is key. By understanding our insecurities and the internalized messages that fuel them, we can begin to slow down our reactions and respond with self-compassion rather than defensiveness.
Self-awareness is the gateway to healing. When we become conscious of the wounds that have shaped our insecurities, we can approach them with curiosity instead of fear. For example, if I feel that familiar sting when my intelligence is questioned, I can take a moment to acknowledge the underlying message: “This triggers my fear of being perceived as inadequate.” From there, I can practice self-soothing techniques, reminding myself of my strengths and achievements. I can “reparent” my inner child who holds these wounds by speaking to myself with greater compassion, curiosity, and kindness, because I understand now that this is what my wounded inner child needs in moments of pain.
This journey isn’t about silencing our insecurities; it’s about understanding them. By operating through the lens of our personal values, we can create a more nurturing internal dialogue that counteracts those harsh, internalized messages. This practice allows us to cultivate resilience and ultimately build a more compassionate relationship with ourselves.
