SZN. 3 Ep. 9/ Setting Boundaries with Family
Setting Boundaries with Family: A Guide for New and Expecting Parents
by: Alexandria Gohla, MSW, LCSW, Ed.S, C-DBT
As new or expecting parents, you’re entering a transformative phase of life filled with joy and challenges. Alongside the excitement of welcoming a child, you might find yourself navigating complex family dynamics, especially when it comes to boundaries with grandparents and extended family. A crucial concept to remember is that “title does not equal entitlement.” Just because someone holds the title of “grandparent” doesn’t mean they automatically have the right to spend time with your children.
Understanding the Importance of Boundaries
Setting limits is vital for maintaining your mental health and well-being as parents. Boundaries allow you and your partner to create a nurturing environment that feels safe and comfortable for your family. Here are some key points to consider:
1. Define Your Comfort Zone: Start by having open discussions with your partner about what feels right for your family. This might include how often family visits occur, the types of interactions that are appropriate, and any specific concerns you both have.
2. Communicate Clearly: Once you’ve established your boundaries, it’s crucial to communicate them gently but firmly with family members. Use “I” statements, such as “I feel overwhelmed when there are unplanned visits,” to express your needs without sounding accusatory. This helps keep the conversation constructive.
3. Recognize the Nuances: The idea that "title does not equal entitlement" really hits home when it comes to grandparents wanting access to their grandchildren. Many factors are at play, such as parental consent and family dynamics. If you have concerns about a grandparent’s influence or behavior, it’s okay to limit access, even if they feel entitled to be involved.
4. Legal Considerations: In some places, the law acknowledges the importance of grandparent-grandchild relationships but does not guarantee access if parents aren’t on board. This legal nuance reinforces the idea that building trust and maintaining healthy family relationships is what truly matters. Titles are just that—titles—unless there’s a foundation of respect and communication to back them up.
5. Utilize ACT Strategies: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) encourages individuals to accept their feelings and thoughts rather than fighting them. As you navigate boundary-setting, acknowledge any anxiety or guilt you may feel about disappointing family members. Remind yourself that your primary responsibility is to your immediate family’s well-being. Focus on what truly matters: creating a loving environment for your child.
6. Incorporate CBT Techniques: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can be beneficial in challenging unhelpful thoughts related to family dynamics. If you find yourself thinking, “I must keep everyone happy,” challenge that thought by reminding yourself that it’s impossible to please everyone. Reframe it to something more supportive, like, “Setting boundaries is necessary for my family’s health.”
7. Embrace a Strengths Perspective: Focus on the strengths of your family relationships rather than just the challenges. Acknowledge the love and support your family offers while also asserting the limits you need to maintain harmony. Creating a “strengths list” of positive attributes about your family can help foster a more balanced view.
8. Stay Flexible, Yet Firm: While it’s crucial to stick to your boundaries, be open to revisiting them as your child grows and family dynamics evolve. Change is natural, and flexibility can help keep the lines of communication open. For instance, as your child reaches new developmental milestones, you might reassess how much family interaction feels appropriate.
9. Practice Self-Care: Setting boundaries can be emotionally taxing, especially if family members push back. Prioritize self-care to recharge and reinforce your commitment to your family’s needs. Engage in activities that help you relax and unwind, whether it’s meditation, exercise, or spending quality time with your partner.
10. Seek Support: If you’re struggling with setting boundaries or dealing with family dynamics, consider talking to a therapist who can help you develop effective strategies tailored to your situation. A professional can provide additional tools from ACT and CBT to help you navigate these challenges.
By establishing clear boundaries, you not only protect your family’s well-being but also model healthy relationship dynamics for your child. Remember, it’s perfectly okay to say no to requests that don’t align with your family’s values or comfort levels. Your role as a parent is to ensure a loving and supportive environment for your child—and that sometimes means being assertive about who gets to be a part of their life.
Embracing this new chapter with clarity and intention will strengthen your family unit and lay the foundation for positive relationships with extended family in the long run. You have the right to prioritize your family’s needs, and in doing so, you create a loving space where your child can thrive.
