Ep. 10/ The Wounds of Immigration
The Wounds of Immigration
By: Dr. Gabriela Miniscalco, PsyD
I moved to Chicago from Poland at the age of 8. Like many other first generation child immigrants, I didn’t have a choice. I was simply the victim of my parents’ decision to move to another world. I didn’t speak English,and while I had Polish- speaking classmates, talking to “the foreigner” who was different was not cool. I felt lost, confused, while also internalizing society’s and my parents’ pressure to “blend- in” and “be American” as quickly as possible. This experience is not unique to me and the ripple effects of immigration are forever interwoven across all aspects of life.
Immigrating from a native-born country to a foreign country is a life-changing event that fundamentally impacts a person’s understanding of themselves, others and the world. Therefore, we can’t talk about immigration, without talking about trauma. While there are many definitions of trauma, it is a universal experience. It can be interpreted as anything that is too much, too soon, too fast or too little for too long. When moving to a different side of the world, there is too much change that happens too fast with too little support, understanding, or clarity for too long. Individuals and families are forced to leave behind all that is familiar, safe, and comforting. They leave behind the foundations of their identity and knowingly enter a world of uncertainty. They experience what is called cultural bereavement, or the loss of one’s cultural structure, resulting in confusing feelings of grief and loss. Because there is also a deep need to belong, and to belong quickly, the space and energy to process all of the overwhelming feelings is nonexistent. These complicated feelings often get suppressed causing emotional wounds to go unaddressed.
As is the case with many traumas, children experience this uprooting from their native born country to another, much differently than adults. Often, adult immigrants make the decision with their own autonomy and general understanding of the implications, and therefore have some predictability (whether real or imagined). Once settled in their new country, adults have the ability to choose their community. They can seek out resources that are consistent with their native culture; creating a cushion between learning what is new while also maintaining some familiarity. Children, on the other hand, are stuck in the schools their adults place them in. They may not have access to those who speak their native language, leaving them vulnerable to bullying and isolation. The language they used as a way to connect with peers is gone, leaving them unsure of how to initiate and form these connections. They may also struggle to connect with their parents since their parents have a completely different immigration experience.
As painful and exclusionary as this may be, children adapt. They are not resilient; they are simply forced to survive. Their school and society begins to raise them and teach them what is right from wrong, what is culturally appropriate or inappropriate. Through the intense immersion of the new culture, as well as the plasticity of their young brain, children learn the new language quickly and internalize new social norms. They quickly surpass their parents in the adjustment to their new country and outgrow their parents on what it means to “be American”. The more they acculturate, or adjust to the new culture, the more distant they become from their parents who are still grasping to maintain their native culture. Children then fall into the “in-between” category. Their identity is neither this nor that and the pressure to straddle both cultures can become overwhelming. Children naturally aim to find the balance between both fitting in with their country and culture of origin at home, but also knowing they need to fit in to the expectations of their new culture in order to be accepted.
Parents are often unable to teach their kids what they were taught, as there might be little relevance to the new culture, leaving them to feel helpless and even powerless in their roles as adults. Since children continue to “grow up” in the new culture, they are more shaped and molded by it. Children start to outperform their parents, leaving them in positions of power they should not to be in. This role reversal, or parentification, typically falls into two categories: instrumental and emotional. Instrumental parentification refers to parents becoming dependent on their children for logistical help, such as translations, making appointments and general explanations of the culture. Emotional parentification refers to parents relying on their children for emotional support and validation. Even if parents are aware of this phenomenon and do their best at refraining from enacting these dynamics, they are still just trying to survive. Therefore, parents have to utilize whatever resources they have access to, even if that resource is their children. Parentification can also be viewed from the trauma lens, as it leads children to take on too much, too quickly without the proper empathy of their experience. Understandably so and without judgment on the parents’ need for survival, children learn they can’t rely on their parents for support, as they themselves have now been put in the parental role for emotional support. Children may have a tendency to suppress their feelings knowing their parents are unable to relate to their experience. They may also feel like the pain and discomfort they are experiencing is not as bad as what their parents went through, creating a cycle of self-invalidation.
Children learn to become their own support, which leads to behaviors in adolescence and adulthood such as hyper-independence, over-fixation on achievement, and inability to ask for help. They internalize these feelings which may include loneliness, abandonment, rejection, and shame. Their inner world may consist of thoughts such as , “If I don’t do it myself, it won’t get done” or “I have to protect myself because no one else will”. In essence, part of their childhood is stolen, and as adults they go through life with a void that they are unsuccessful at filling.
While my personal story focuses on immigration, concepts of being parentified, growing up too fast, or finding ways of surviving, can be generalizable to any adult. No one’s childhood is perfect, and being able to admit that your parents did the best they could AND this left you with emotional scars, is the first step to owning your truth and healing. The goal isn’t to blame your parents or justify their actions; it is to approach your individual story with compassionate curiosity in order to deepen your understanding of why you are the way you are. Giving yourself permission to validate your parents’ pain, while also validating your own pain, takes courage. We all have child-like versions of ourselves that live within our adult identity. Slow down, notice how your actions, feelings, and thoughts connect to an unmet need you had when you were young. It is never too late to give your inner child the attention, love, and empathy it may have lacked. Connecting with your inner child can be done independently but sometimes, an empathetic witness, like a therapist or loved one, can provide a level of safety and compassion that further supports your healing.
