Ep. 15/ Weight… The Last Topic Society Is Allowed To Shame
Weight…The Last Topic Society Is Allowed To Shame
By: Heather (Cody) Olsson, LCPC
Weight is a topic that affects everyone. How it affects us is not a one size fits all formula nor is it just one. We can just as easily spin the dial on the Wheel of Fortune to land on some of the different ways it touches our lives and that still does not fully encompass the true gravity of the topic. One slot on the wheel can be discussing societal pressures and weight. One sliver can be gender differences in expectations. Landing on childhood obesity and the many factors identified by Dr. Aparna Chandra “like genetics, environment, and behavior play a big role. Access to affordable healthcare, healthy food, and safe places to exercise could contribute largely to this growing epidemic in children from lower socioeconomic families.” (Obesity Medicine Association, 2022), could even win you a car!
My focus as a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor is working with clients in both a group practice setting and a Primary Healthcare setting. This topic is so unique and deeply personal, and occasionally shaming. It is an honor to go on the metabolic recovery journey with each and every person. But what is metabolic recovery? It may seem weight/scale focused but it is far from it. Some clients want to get their diabetes regulated or lower their cholesterol. Some clients want to increase mobility and overall health outcomes. Some clients want to lose weight in order to increase their chances at having a healthy pregnancy. Some clients want it all.
As an LCPC, I work with people who have had bariatric surgeries, or who have reached their goals with their metabolic recovery in other ways. Utilizing a program created by Dr. Heather Hamilton, LCPC, we focus on learning about how our brains work, our personality styles/attachment styles, depression, anxiety, past trauma, our inner voice (which is usually not nice), relationships, work/home dynamics, stress reduction, and social support. We also discuss the weight loss journey. Many of my clients, like me, expect to hit a magical number on the scale, and suddenly every insecurity, issue, problem, etc., will vanish. That hole inside many of us that we have been trying to fill with food doesn’t go away without hard work.
Personally, I was never a heavy child. However, I thought I was. I hit puberty before my friends, and was ashamed of the changes my body went through. I was ashamed of my body before I could put words to shame. It was not until my 20s that I struggled with depression and turned to food as my comfort. I stopped getting on the scale at 305lbs. Therefore, I’m not really certain what my top weight was. I’m also not certain of when I stopped looking in mirrors either, or when I stopped feeling seen by the people around me.
I do remember when I stopped going to the doctor though. The thought of going on the scale and having someone yet again tell me I needed to lose weight was too much. Did the doctors think I wasn’t aware? Did they think by telling me how easy it is (calories in vs calories out) would help? I did every weight loss program out there. I had spent so much money at gyms, health clubs, and personal trainers. I paid for food services. I started to see doctors that I’m not even sure they were properly credentialed! One time I found myself in a large conference room with folding chairs, which were not comfortable for obese people by the way, and the doctor would walk around giving us all shots of Vitamin B12 and a prescription for Phentermine. I lost weight quickly and it was wonderful! Until it wasn’t. Unfortunately, I started getting chest pains because I was never told that these were the side effects or the risks of taking prescriptions like Phentermine. The scariest part is, I don’t know if it would have changed my mind in at least trying it because I was so desperate.
At this time in my life, I lived in downtown Chicago and worked within walking distance. For a girl from the far far southside of Chicago, this was always my dream life and yet I hated everything about it, including myself. Deciding to make a change is never a lightbulb moment for me. It is typically tiny moments that add up to a push. Ignoring mirrors was easy. Shielding myself from the reflection on the skyscrapers as I walked anywhere was a different experience. Every day my trip to work was a reminder of wanting to be anywhere but here. Walking to the Cadillac Theater, which was only a few blocks away, became unbearable because my hips began to hurt when I was in my mid 20s. I knew I needed to do something drastic. I chose bariatric surgery. Did it help me? Absolutely. It was a great quick fix… for a few years. It has turned into a lifetime sentence. My decision to get bariatric surgery affects every aspect of my life. I am not saying people should not have the surgery, but I am saying we need more information before we sign up.
We also go through new experiences we never thought to prepare for when we lose significant amounts of weight. The first time someone opened a door for me when I lost weight, I almost cried. It felt like a ton of bricks hit me. I couldn’t remember the last time a stranger acknowledged me. I was the same person, but because my jean size was different, now I deserved to exist? The outpouring of compliments was overwhelming. But that inner voice in my head just kept questioning “What did they think of me before?” I lost 180 lbs. I lost an entire person, and yet I kept all of my clothes because I was convinced for years that I would fail again. Because that is what society tells us. Gaining weight is failure. I was a failure.
It has been 10 years since my bariatric surgery, and I’m still working on my weight. And I don’t mean food journaling. I mean I’m still pushing myself not to define myself by my weight. Anyone that has struggled with weight, knows it is a forever uphill battle for many reasons. Recently, I lost my aunt to cancer. It was a devastating blow to the family. She was a light in very dim surroundings. At her funeral, my mother felt empowered enough to pull my shirt to the side, grab my collar bone, and remark to others how I am now too skinny. She did this in front of people I have not seen in years. She had more comments about my weight that I won’t get into but the message was clear. I’m reminded of the Goldilocks story. Before I was too big, now I’m too small but I never got it just right. I’m not worthy. I’m still a failure. I’ll never be good enough. My response was to laugh it off. Roll my eyes. And let her speak. Because in the end, there isn’t anything I can say to make her stop or make me feel better. Because, for whatever reason, weight is still the last topic society is allowed to shame.
Chandra, Aparna. “Impact of Obesity on Children: How Is the Weight Issue Weighing on Our Youth.” Obesity Medicine Association, 5 Sept. 2022, https://obesitymedicine.org/impact-of-obesity-on-children-how-is-the-weight-issue-weighing-on-our-youth/.
